angustia

i am not feeling quite in place at the moment. i’ve been trying to analyze this feeling of extreme anxiety for the past few days now.

this is something that i am actually familiar with but have never really felt before. the Danish philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard call this as angst in his book called The Concept of Anxiety where he discusses a deep spiritual condition of insecurity and fear in free human beings. i do not know many people who has suffered such a thing(other than existentialist philosophers), but there is one rather famous individual who has been inflicted by angst and has been able to successfully overcome it (i presume) and that man is the famous Russian writer, philosopher Leo Tolstoy.

so if there is one person able to overcome such a horrid feeling then surely i am able to overcome it as well.

truth be told though, the numerous philosophical books i have read has not driven me towards atheism, on the contrary it has forced me to explore my spirituality in its most subjective form. that is why this form of angst that i am feeling right now is not seemed to be caused by spiritual insecurity but by an accumulation of lies that has built inside me continuously, causing in a massive snowball effect towards my psychological state of mind. in others words i’ve been living in denial towards a certain subject.

and now perhaps it is time for me to un-lie myself.

but then again, since i am able to separate myself from religious dogma, thus critically questioning it. maybe spirituality does have an impact towards this rather disturbing state i am in. my mind cannot stop questioning of such fundamental things that are interlinked with the philosophical and psychological conditions of man especially concerning the spiritual realm of man itself.

we are forced to believe that everything has a reason, has a purpose, including man. but what if that were nonsense? what if we as human beings do not have predetermined purpose such as those of a chair? where in the case of a chair, the chair is built to become a chair, to be sat on, to give comfort while people sit on it etc. but how about us human beings?

have you then ever asked yourself, what is our purpose? not our purpose in life, for if we were to discuss out purpose in life it would differ from one person to another and it would be based on subjective preferences. but i am questioning our grand purpose being made, being created, being constructed by the hands of the divine entity, the grand architect.

is it merely to love, to care, to hate one another? or is it merely to fill this earth with ourselves, our children as the Holy Books have childishly portray? that for me seems so degrading. don’t we have a more grand purpose of life?

what if we had no predetermined purpose? what if this was all a coincidence? the creation of us, the earth, the universe. all of this was merely a coincidence? or perhaps not a mere coincidence but it was all created for no grand purpose at all?

i never did believe in coincidences, but i also believe that anything’s possible.

if this indeed is a coincidence, the creation of us human beings, then i have lost the meaning of life itself. and if this indeed is a coincidence then i am now more anxious than ever, knowing that i have no purpose of existence. no predetermined purpose in life.

ketidakbermaknaan.

me on the outside

this is me in the inside

time is of the essence

a simple straight out question, can time be considered subjective and unfair?
does our state of mind influence on how we interpret or perceive time? examples are abundant. compare yourself when you are in a state of boredom. a few hours of boredom compared to a few hours of enjoyment seems like an eternity. hence the saying “time flies when you’re having fun.” but this is due to our psychological perception of time, not time itself. when we are bored and anticipating something we focus our attention more towards time and with focused attention comes greater perception to details (hours, minutes, seconds).

so is time subjective and unfair? on the contrary, time moves on relentlessly and unstoppable. therefore it is objective and fair.

what makes it seem unfair is the condition of our state of mind. the difference of attention towards time has only made it seem to move faster or slower. time itself has not changed at all.

plans

As i try to calmly wait (emphasize on the word try) for my thesis defense which will be held on Monday of next week, I can’t help myself to think “what’s next?”. Well of course this defense is significant for me, but how significant will it be for my life ahead? Is something significant because of the time frame we are living in right now has made it significant? perhaps, perhaps.

But nonetheless, although thoughts of “what’s next?” lingers in the back of my mind. I already have ambitions or plans, if i may say, on what i will do next. These plans of mine are not detailed plans, for this is life we are talking about not some campus seminar. Detailed planning of life is something that i must avoid in order to minimize disappointments because life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go, so it’s rather useless planning accurately of your life.

Compared to my previous semesters i have been rather absent in activities this semester due to some personal problems at the beginning of the semester and of course my thesis which has taken a great deal of time out of me. I expect that i will once again be knee deep in activities after graduating. Although there is a part of me enjoying this rather relaxing state where I have had only to focus on two major things, my thesis and my personal life, and a few minor things such as the infamous summer school 2009 conducted last July. There has always been this other part of me (a rather large part of me if i may add) missing those sleepless nights in front of my computer, while muttering cursings of regret. Cursings such as “Dammit why the fuck did I take this job?” or “the fuck with them, they know jack shit on how to do things right!”

oh how i truly miss those times.

Long ago i used to ask myself, “why can’t i say no when someone offers me jobs or offers me to become a part of a committee.” Now i understand that i am like that because i am a workaholic. Which I seem to have received from my mom em..no wait my dad..well i guess i got it from the both of them.
But even though I show signs of regret when overloading myself with work, I am still as eager as ever when offered any new and interesting thing. Whether or not experiencing this new thing is useful or not for me I am not quite sure but nonetheless I have been able to experience things that many have not had the chance to experience.
Speaking of offerings I was offered this leadership course a two month leadership course called the LEAD program which stands for (correct me if i’m wrong) Leadership Education and Development program. I guess i’ll try entering this program once i’m done with all this crap at my campus..and after spending my nearly depleted bank account, travelling around south east Asia.

i will also plan one more thing.

i will plan myself to be surprised.
because life my friend is just full of surprises.
whether it be bad or good.
because that is what makes life, life.
because i will understand happiness when i have felt sadness.

and
because even the best falls down,
sometimes.

an eternal smile.