i am not feeling quite in place at the moment. i’ve been trying to analyze this feeling of extreme anxiety for the past few days now.

this is something that i am actually familiar with but have never really felt before. the Danish philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard call this as angst in his book called The Concept of Anxiety where he discusses a deep spiritual condition of insecurity and fear in free human beings. i do not know many people who has suffered such a thing(other than existentialist philosophers), but there is one rather famous individual who has been inflicted by angst and has been able to successfully overcome it (i presume) and that man is the famous Russian writer, philosopher Leo Tolstoy.

so if there is one person able to overcome such a horrid feeling then surely i am able to overcome it as well.

truth be told though, the numerous philosophical books i have read has not driven me towards atheism, on the contrary it has forced me to explore my spirituality in its most subjective form. that is why this form of angst that i am feeling right now is not seemed to be caused by spiritual insecurity but by an accumulation of lies that has built inside me continuously, causing in a massive snowball effect towards my psychological state of mind. in others words i’ve been living in denial towards a certain subject.

and now perhaps it is time for me to un-lie myself.

but then again, since i am able to separate myself from religious dogma, thus critically questioning it. maybe spirituality does have an impact towards this rather disturbing state i am in. my mind cannot stop questioning of such fundamental things that are interlinked with the philosophical and psychological conditions of man especially concerning the spiritual realm of man itself.

we are forced to believe that everything has a reason, has a purpose, including man. but what if that were nonsense? what if we as human beings do not have predetermined purpose such as those of a chair? where in the case of a chair, the chair is built to become a chair, to be sat on, to give comfort while people sit on it etc. but how about us human beings?

have you then ever asked yourself, what is our purpose? not our purpose in life, for if we were to discuss out purpose in life it would differ from one person to another and it would be based on subjective preferences. but i am questioning our grand purpose being made, being created, being constructed by the hands of the divine entity, the grand architect.

is it merely to love, to care, to hate one another? or is it merely to fill this earth with ourselves, our children as the Holy Books have childishly portray? that for me seems so degrading. don’t we have a more grand purpose of life?

what if we had no predetermined purpose? what if this was all a coincidence? the creation of us, the earth, the universe. all of this was merely a coincidence? or perhaps not a mere coincidence but it was all created for no grand purpose at all?

i never did believe in coincidences, but i also believe that anything’s possible.

if this indeed is a coincidence, the creation of us human beings, then i have lost the meaning of life itself. and if this indeed is a coincidence then i am now more anxious than ever, knowing that i have no purpose of existence. no predetermined purpose in life.

ketidakbermaknaan.

me on the outside

this is me in the inside