why you ask? well the reason is rather simple actually.

i am extremely bored with the default themes of wordpress.com only a handful of them are decent enough to be actually used and the others are just plain shite.

i am too lazy to pay just to enable CSS editing in wordpress. why pay when i can get all that for free at tumblr?

i don’t really do anything with my blog except post my mediocre writings and a couple of photos that goes along with those writings of mine. so really guys why pay?

am i being a cheap ass? perhaps i am. but seriously guys i am just too lazy to go through the hustle and bustle of paying just to enable CSS editing. bleh.

well..

see ya at tumblr!

friendster blog -> blogspot(hacked! fucker!) -> wordpress -> tumblr

Writing also makes me happy. But I now have a problem.

Have you ever wanted to write, but not know on what to write about? Or actually do know at first but when you start writing, the things you wish to write about suddenly disappear. I like to write, no, I love to write but I am recently having a hard time expressing feelings, thoughts, ideas and things I have seen into words, written words.  I’m having a hard time elaborating these feelings, thoughts and ideas of mine into words that I see fit enough to describe on what I have felt, on what I have thought about.

And because it is also usual for me to dissect my psychological state I am in when I am experiencing a certain feeling whether it be love, lust, anger, happiness, jealousy, hatred and so on. Therefore I will also try to break down and analyze this condition I am in and with it I start my analyzing with a simple question.

A simple question that I have never really asked myself before, why do you write Ben?

Although I have a rather high fondness towards writing, I have never personally asked myself that question. Do I write because I just wish to write? or is there an underlying cause to it? Is it because I wish to share my opinions, my thoughts, my ideas, my sometimes unsavory notions of the world, of people, of religion, of politics, of culture, of life itself?

Or is it because I wish to show my existence, my capabilities and hope of some sort of feedback in any form, from my readers?

Yes, perhaps it could possibly be one of those reasons, or perhaps it could also be a combination of those reasons.

But is that all? Has that hope, has that wish become the main reason on why I write? A small part of me seems to agree with this. Yet another small part of me is telling me that I write because there is a need to escape. Escape from this hectic, chaotic, violent world we are living in.

When I write this world matters not for me. It is as if I live in a world of my own. Combine this with photography and I am able to see the beauty in everything, even death itself.

But, these reasons though, come to think of it, are minor reasons.

There is for me a main reason on why I write. To write is an activity that I see as an expression of my passion towards matters on anything that has touched me deeply, matters that has touched my heart, my soul. It is for me very much like photography.

They are activities that I see as personal.

Activities that I see as sacred.

That is why although I am keen towards writing I do not do so often, my ability to write is hindered by my heart that must first be touched in order for it to emerge.

To write, for me, is the ultimate expression of myself. It is my truest and boldest expression on how I feel, on how I perceive the world. Therefore I can honestly say that to write and to photograph is to ultimately satisfy my innermost feelings of matters that only my (often) peaceful heart may able to understand.

However,

this reason on why I write has not solved my problem on why I recently lack the ability to write. I have witnessed and experienced heart burning events and incidents that has made me shed tears. But why have I been having a rather difficult time when it comes to writing?

After pondering endlessly towards this question, I have come to the conclusion that this difficulty is merely caused by my personal dissatisfaction towards words.

Yes, I am dissatisfied with words. I no longer see words capable of justifying the expression of beauty that I have seen or felt. I see them as limiting. Can it really justify the beauty such as those that we feel when we are in love? Can it really be understood the depth of it, the remarkable feeling it brings, the extravagant beauty of it by saying ‘I love you?’ can we truly, wholly understand that all?

As Eckhart Tolle  has said, “Of course we have to use words and thoughts. They have their own beauty, but do we really need to become imprisoned in them?”

Words have somewhat become degrading for me when it comes to expressing my innermost feelings. They are much, much better felt then merely to encase them in hallow words.

For me words reduce reality to something the human mind can grasp, which from my experience isn’t very much.

a significant other

There are things, personal things that you wish the world would understand. But you know that it won’t and can’t. Things that only you and perhaps a significant other can seem to understand. Things that only you know of and perhaps only share to another of whom you trust and love. Those things should remain a closely guarded secret. For secrets because of their obscurity will not and cannot be judged, and because things are often judged in a subjective manner, secrets are something we should choose to embrace, to conduct. Subjectivity often causes misinterpretations, which then leads to blindness of one’s mind and how can we truly understand a certain something when we see with clouded eyes?

the end is but a beggining

this is something that i am actually familiar with but have never really felt before. the Danish philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard call this as angst in his book called The Concept of Anxiety where he discusses a deep spiritual condition of insecurity and fear in free human beings. i do not know many people who has suffered such a thing(other than existentialist philosophers), but there is one rather famous individual who has been inflicted by angst and has been able to successfully overcome it (i presume) and that man is the famous Russian writer, philosopher Leo Tolstoy.

so if there is one person able to overcome such a horrid feeling then surely i am able to overcome it as well.

truth be told though, the numerous philosophical books i have read has not driven me towards atheism, on the contrary it has forced me to explore my spirituality in its most subjective form. that is why this form of angst that i am feeling right now is not seemed to be caused by spiritual insecurity but by an accumulation of lies that has built inside me continuously, causing in a massive snowball effect towards my psychological state of mind. in others words i’ve been living in denial towards a certain subject.

and now perhaps it is time for me to un-lie myself.

but then again, since i am able to separate myself from religious dogma, thus critically questioning it. maybe spirituality does have an impact towards this rather disturbing state i am in. my mind cannot stop questioning of such fundamental things that are interlinked with the philosophical and psychological conditions of man especially concerning the spiritual realm of man itself.

we are forced to believe that everything has a reason, has a purpose, including man. but what if that were nonsense? what if we as human beings do not have predetermined purpose such as those of a chair? where in the case of a chair, the chair is built to become a chair, to be sat on, to give comfort while people sit on it etc. but how about us human beings?

have you then ever asked yourself, what is our purpose? not our purpose in life, for if we were to discuss out purpose in life it would differ from one person to another and it would be based on subjective preferences. but i am questioning our grand purpose being made, being created, being constructed by the hands of the divine entity, the grand architect.

is it merely to love, to care, to hate one another? or is it merely to fill this earth with ourselves, our children as the Holy Books have childishly portray? that for me seems so degrading. don’t we have a more grand purpose of life?

what if we had no predetermined purpose? what if this was all a coincidence? the creation of us, the earth, the universe. all of this was merely a coincidence? or perhaps not a mere coincidence but it was all created for no grand purpose at all?

i never did believe in coincidences, but i also believe that anything’s possible.

if this indeed is a coincidence, the creation of us human beings, then i have lost the meaning of life itself. and if this indeed is a coincidence then i am now more anxious than ever, knowing that i have no purpose of existence. no predetermined purpose in life.

ketidakbermaknaan.

me on the outside

this is me in the inside. The Scream by Edvard Munch (1893)

so is time subjective and unfair? on the contrary, time moves on relentlessly and unstoppable. therefore it is objective and fair.

what makes it seem unfair is the condition of our state of mind. the difference of attention towards time has only made it seem to move faster or slower. time itself has not changed at all.

But nonetheless, although thoughts of “what’s next?” lingers in the back of my mind. I already have ambitions or plans, if i may say, on what i will do next. These plans of mine are not detailed plans, for this is life we are talking about not some campus seminar. Detailed planning of life is something that i must avoid in order to minimize disappointments because life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go, so it’s rather useless planning accurately of your life.

Compared to my previous semesters i have been rather absent in activities this semester due to some personal problems at the beginning of the semester and of course my thesis which has taken a great deal of time out of me. I expect that i will once again be knee deep in activities after graduating. Although there is a part of me enjoying this rather relaxing state where I have had only to focus on two major things, my thesis and my personal life, and a few minor things such as the infamous summer school 2009 conducted last July. There has always been this other part of me (a rather large part of me if i may add) missing those sleepless nights in front of my computer, while muttering cursings of regret. Cursings such as “Dammit why the fuck did I take this job?” or “the fuck with them, they know jack shit on how to do things right!”

oh how i truly miss those times.

Long ago i used to ask myself, “why can’t i say no when someone offers me jobs or offers me to become a part of a committee.” Now i understand that i am like that because i am a workaholic. Which I seem to have received from my mom em..no wait my dad..well i guess i got it from the both of them.
But even though I show signs of regret when overloading myself with work, I am still as eager as ever when offered any new and interesting thing. Whether or not experiencing this new thing is useful or not for me I am not quite sure but nonetheless I have been able to experience things that many have not had the chance to experience.
Speaking of offerings I was offered this leadership course a two month leadership course called the LEAD program which stands for (correct me if i’m wrong) Leadership Education and Development program. I guess i’ll try entering this program once i’m done with all this crap at my campus..and after spending my nearly depleted bank account, travelling around south east Asia.

i will also plan one more thing.

i will plan myself to be surprised.
because life my friend is just full of surprises.
whether it be bad or good.
because that is what makes life, life.
because i will understand happiness when i have felt sadness.

and
because even the best falls down,
sometimes.

an eternal smile.

-

do you know that feeling you get when you see a view, a beautiful view of nature and you try to say something wise and intelligent but only petty little words come out? words that undermine the beauty of what your eyes astonishingly see. a view that only the suprarational being, the grand architect can construct and when you view this view, this beautiful view, you find yourself so immersed in it, your emotions start to take over, you feel glorified, you feel content, you feel at peace.

i have this feeling every time i go somewhere new. but this feeling of bliss is not without its questions.

these views of beauty that i have happily seen, has unwillingly forced myself to ask a very simple question, a question that many of us have come to ask from time to time. a question that holy books have tried to answer but have come up, in my opinion, with only mediocre answers, answers that often only the most faithful have come to mindlessly accept. and that question is a complex yet simple,

what is the purpose of our existence?

i hate the fact that many us see our sole purpose of living can be easily divided into two groups, those who are good enough will be sent to the heavens above and those unlucky men and women with chronic behavioral problems will be sent to deepest pits of hell. is this our true purpose here on this planet? the grand struggle towards eternal happiness? is our God really that shallow? do we only live for this? promises of eternal happiness after dying, something that we even do not know, is true, is there.

why? why is it that simple? i feel so useless understanding such a thing. my purpose of existence here on this dying planet of ours cannot be that simple. i feel so meaningless.

Jean-Paul Satre had a rather exquisite point of view towards our existence (or in philosophical terms existentialism) “existence precedes essence”. what he meant by this is that, we humans do not have a predetermined essence the way, say, a chair does. We are indeterminate, always free to reinvent ourselves. is this true? our purpose in life is determined by us? perhaps it is.

perhaps i have a purpose then. no, it is not the heavens nor is it money. it is my love for humanity itself. i will make this my purpose in life. to merely fill my life with just a purpose is useless, that purpose must be noble. What use is my purpose if my purpose is purposeless? my happiness must be shared, because happiness is only real when shared. and that seems to be a rather nice purpose of life, at least for my life, don’t you think?

these voices in my head keep asking “why?” and i would like them to stop. just for now.
please.

oh mother Mary..what is my purpose in life?

Perhaps an ordinary human being would at least have the slightest emotional memories of the deaths he or she has encountered throughout his or her life, such as the death of the man above, which will eventually lead to some sort of temporal emotional instability, but when it comes to death i as a man whom i see myself as sometimes emotional have become somewhat acquainted towards death itself. I am more touched by the suffering of the living.

When i see a person’s death my heart is not touched by the soulless body but by the grief of those who are suffering due to the hollow body. I am emotionally blunted when it comes to death. But seeing the process of dying itself has made me ponder towards death and i can thank this to the man of whom i do not know his name.

- written in the emergency room, in a hospital at Bandung -

it was late at night, my girlfriend had a high fever, i decided to take her here, she did not look well. i took her to the registration counter. i let her be filling in the forms and answering the questions needed. i turned around curious of this room we were in. i saw a man. he caught my attention. he was laying on a bed, he looked very ill. i stared. i listened. i shouldn’t have.

his heartbeat dwindling, pumping slower and slower, an alarm squeals through the air, a straight green flat line on the monitor of a machine, a nurse giving CPR, a wife crying in despair screaming the word no with all her might, a doctor shouts vee-fib, people backing away, clear! shouts the doctor, no response, the doctor tries again, no response, the doctor tries twice more, yet still no response.

the man is dead.

lifeless yet still warm. a wife and a child crying, all seems to be in slow motion. i stared, i shouldn’t have. the child looked at me, eyes full of tears, my heart tore. the curtains close. yet i am still standing in shock. i am still staring. i shouldn’t have.

and now i am afraid. frightened by death. the process of dying, and of what we will become after death.

- end -

Death, whether we are fond of it or not, is something we have come to accept. Or perhaps forced to accept. do not deny this, we are all afraid of death, whether it be the process of dying, the suffering of dying, or what will become of us after death. we have invented drugs and machines to comfort us when we are dying and we have also invented religion to comfort us as well. telling us that there is eternal happiness after death, or even eternal damnation if we are not playing nice.
i hope this is true. i maybe religionless. but alike any other selfish human being, being given expectations of eternal happiness after death has made death a bit more acceptable. if we could not find peace happiness now, perhaps in the afterlife there is.

i close this note with a poem from one of my favorite poets,
Emily Dickinson entitled Because I Could Not Stop for Death.

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

- Emily Dickinson

she died i my hands

But that my friend is to dull the mind not to silence it.

As the world becomes bleaker by the day and new problems arise every minute or so, we humans look for peace. We try to create peace by many ways including by force and if we cannot obtain peace outside ourselves then we look for inner peace, peace within ourselves, a peaceful mind. This search for silence, for peace within our selves has led to a new trend, meditation. This is why Yoga as one of the forms of meditation has become an increasingly popular choice for people who are in search for inner peace or perhaps for people who are in search for just mere silence of the mind.

Yet, true meditation in search of a peaceful mind can be obtained everyday, every minute, and every second without the need to chant a certain prayer or conduct a certain move. The repetition of these prayers or these moves is mere self-hypnosis. Yes, of course by repetition our mind will become quite, silent, gentle and soft but all you have done is to actually dull your mind and close your mind towards the beauty of the world that will in fact create peace within us. We are merely concentrating towards a certain something. As J. Krishnamurti has said, “meditation is not concentration.” Concentration forces your mind to concentrate towards something that we sometimes do not want to concentrate on, this in the end does not create peace but in fact creates conflict within our selves. How can we force a mind to concentrate when it easily wanders to everything around us? How can we force a mind to concentrate when it easily wanders towards something that interests us? Meditation that enforces concentration will only create a conflicting mind and how can we have peace when our mind is conflict? Meditation that enforces concentration means to control the mind and when we try to control an uncontrollable mind all we have done is to imprison it.
Thus what is meditation?

Meditation is simple, meditation is observing the whole with complete attention.

Do not confuse this with concentration; attention does not require control of the mind. Attention is letting your mind free to observe everything around you as a whole. Not to focus and control your mind towards a certain object. What I mean to be attentive towards the whole means to be aware of every thought and every feeling.

So meditation can take place anywhere and anytime such as while sitting under a tree looking at the rays of the sun shimmering through the leaves or feeling the wind breezing gently through you skin or even perhaps while sitting on bus.

No one can teach you to be attentive. This is something you must learn by yourself. Only you yourself can understand what being attentive is. In the end when you are able to be attentive then you have understood meditation, this discovery of your personal attentive will also lead to peace. By understanding this then you will find meditation that creates peace but does not dull the mind. There are no chants, no movements, no repetitions. Your mind is at peace and a peaceful mind is a mind capable of great love.

And in love there is ultimate truth or what we commonly know as God.

And to achieve this we must be in peace not in pieces.

attentive towards the whole

Though my ass like attitude has made me rather monstrous and hated by many, I am still as human as any of you reading this worthless note of mine. So I as a regular human being, also have regrets towards my choices but I have also been told that regretting is rather useless or so they say.

As many of you might have already known, it has been a couple months since I have applied for the summer school language scholarship to Turkey and the good news is I got accepted. Yes, my dreams of sailing through the Bosphorus strait and touching those 800 year old walls of Haghia Sophia while absorbing the knowledge of the Sufi’s will finally come true…..in another time (insert multiple F words here).

I, my fellow readers, have decided to finish my thesis instead. Well actually my parents “kindly” asked me to do so but truth be told I myself am a bit worried of not being able to finish my thesis on time for the October graduation. There is a certain sureness in me that I will certainly not be writing my thesis while chasing hot middle eastern girls..err.. I mean while visiting and studying historical places in Turkey. For that reason alone I am putting away momentarily this dream of mine whilst hoping that someday another chance will come by and once again take me away to the lands of the Ottomans.

Do I have regret after doing so? Slightly yes, but as I have said above, what good will regret bring?

But, be worried not! Like any other curious young man I have made other plans to spend my endless pit of money. Vietnam and Laos seems to be a rather nice destination. Perhaps compared to Turkey those countries are rather standard but maybe it’s due to my almost similar cultural background and geographical closeness to those countries. Then again we will never truly know what we will find unless we experience it first hand. So wish me the best of luck, hey who knows maybe I’ll be caught in some deranged child trafficking shit, (knocks on wood).

ahh..

Deranged.
A rather nice topic to talk about and talk of it I will.

–

Deranged, demented, mental, lunatic, insane.
My thesaurus came up with those words after I was searching for a more formal form of crazy.
It is easy labeling a person insane, we can just merely look at his or her actions and if it is still confined in our society’s way of life then that person is sane or plain ordinary.
But then again, if we sit down for a moment and think of the meaning of ordinary, usual, common, standard and so on then we will find that this meaning is based upon what our society has accepted and not accepted.

What pushes towards this acceptance? Is it perhaps the increase wisdom and knowledge humanity has obtained throughout the centuries? Or perhaps repetitions of once insane issues which then force our society towards acceptance?

Take violence for example, due to centuries of never ending wars, killings, mass murders and so on our society has taken the issue of violence rather lightly. Yes there has been significant growth of institutions, laws and other much needed systems to combat violence but what I mean by our society has taken the issue of violence rather lightly can be explained by this quote,

(said in the context of death)

“one is a tragedy, one hundred is statistics”

Is to accept such a thing ordinary? Can this be called sane?

Who are we to condemn a person insane if we the people who are said to be sane are able to take lightly towards the deaths of thousands around the world whatever the cause. Accepting death whatever the cause surely is insane and we seem to have done so. I cannot see any higher form of insanity other than this. Perhaps we all have a small amount of insanity in us but due to our high acceptance towards this issue, death be it one or in the thousands has become rather common.

insanity is vague
and death is underrated

am i insane?